Am I defensive? 6 ways to find out.

by Pastor Josh Adams

“For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it” (Hebrews 12:11).

I have found that most people think they are capable of hearing constructive criticism and processing it well, but in reality few rarely do. Proverbs 15:32 says, “If you reject discipline, you only harm yourself; but if you listen to correction, you grow in wisdom.” How can you tell if you are bad at receiving correction? Here are 6 things that the defensive person will do:

1. BECOME ANGRY QUICKLY. If your go-to reaction is a frustration or anger when someone says something you dislike, you’re probably using this emotion as a defense mechanism to block out the pain of seeing your own faults.
   
   
2. BLAME OTHERS FOR THE ISSUE. Most commonly you will see a pattern of accusing others as the “real reason” for the issue at hand; “my parents did this…”. “My friends in school started it…” “My boss never gave me the recognition…” etc., etc. It’s always someone else’s fault.
   
   
3. DENY DENY DENY. This down right refusal to believe that you might be guilty of a mistake or that YOU might have character issues shows that not only are you not willing to listen to critique, but you also don’t have a realistic view of your own sin nature.
   
   
4. POUTING. The goal of the person who pouts is to punish the person that has tried to help them. They will become sullen or distant, rude or incredulous. Often it is a sign that their fragile ego has taken too big of a hit. 
   
   
5. JUSTIFY– This is a common reaction especially for the Christian. You take liberties with the truth in order to weave a narrative that somehow condones your actions. Rather than take responsibility you will emphasize key details of the story or your version of the circumstances to show that your sin (issue at hand) is not really a bad thing but more a necessity of your environment/situation.
   
   
6. THE CUT OFF– this is a huge defensive move. You interrupt the person trying to help you. Either because you’re embarrassed and don’t want to hear anymore or perhaps you think you know everything they are going to say and therefore don’t actually need to hear it, or you have already formulated your retort and you’re impatient to deliver the response. Whatever the motivation for the interruption, it is a sign that you aren’t ready to receive correction. Your pride is too great to allow a friend to speak truth over you.

This is not an exhaustive list of the ways you might not be good at hearing criticism. There are many other reactions that we have when it comes to this area. But much like my daughter’s refusal to let me pull out a splinter because it “hurts too bad”, you and I need to allow a momentary discomfort in order to save a long-term destruction. Here are some verses to ponder as you spend time today asking God to reveal to you what areas you need to work on:

Anger:  “Stop being angry! Turn from your rage! Do not lose your temper— it only leads to harm” (Psalms 37:8).

“People with understanding control their anger; a hot temper shows great foolishness” (Proverbs 14:29 ).

Blaming Others: “And why worry about a speck in your friend’s eye when you have a log in your own? How can you think of saying to your friend, ‘Let me help you get rid of that speck in your eye,’ when you can’t see past the log in your own eye?” (Matthew 7:3-4 ).

Denial: “People who conceal their sins will not prosper, but if they confess and turn from them, they will receive mercy” (Proverbs 28:13 ).

Pouting: “And do not bring sorrow to God’s Holy Spirit by the way you live. Remember, he has identified you as his own, guaranteeing that you will be saved on the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior” (Ephesians 4:30-31).

Self-Justification: “Therefore, since we have been justified in God’s sight by faith, we have peace with God because of what Jesus Christ our Lord has done for us” (Romans 5:1).

“He that is good at making excuses is seldom good for anything else” – Benjamin Franklin

Interrupting: “Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry” (James 1:19).