Iíve Been Thinking
September 20, 2006
I have been thinking about how I can minister to the brokenhearted when my own heart is broken. Iíve been thinking that if ďblessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.Ē Then how does God comfort?
I lost my Dad to cancer this last April. Before that, it had been over two years since I had seen or talked to him. My life growing up was terrifying. At a time when children are taught to trust, I learned that I was the only person who would take care of me. I learned that to be safe, I had to construct an environment that would minimize danger to me. I say all of this because I have come to a painful place in my journey when I seem to have more questions than answers. I live in a part of the city that is dark and I really want to be in light in this neighborhood Ė not darkness. But more often then not, I am afraid of the darkness.
I am learning some beautiful and unexpected lessons on this journey. I am learning how God can surprise me. He can send me wise counselors who will comfort me and tell me that they have the same heart that I do. That they too have a heart full of questions but also a heart that loves God. I am coming to understand that the very act of being listened to and heard on a heart level has power to heal my brokenness.
I am also seeing how God can heal my brokenness by giving me a child whose life will never be touched by abuse in the way that mine has been. That getting to see that kind of innocence in my own child is allowing me to believe in Godís mercy and protection again.
I still struggle with questions. I still feel overwhelmingly exhausted from this journey and from not having my questions answered. I am slowly learning that in allowing myself to ask these things of God, He is answering me in unexpected ways. If God can use a friend with a heart like mine who both questions and loves God, then maybe He can use me in that way to bring about healing in my community.