Sharing a painful but fruitful journey
February 28, 2006
As a community, we are working a 4th and 5th Step together. As we press into learning to be more loving people and become a more loving community, we are sharing the experience of obedience and risky self-disclosure. Why would anyone in their right mind work a 4th Step? I asked that question in the Bomar gathering this past Saturday. Here are some of the answers.
1. Because I’m well into my young adult years and I haven’t fully experienced Jesus’ promise of freedom and of the ability to connect. I’m lonely and what I’ve been doing hasn’t changed that.
2. Because Jesus and the Apostle John call us to walk in the light (John 8:12; I John 1:4-6). Because James says that we are to confess our sins to one another and in doing that we get healed (James 5:16).
3. Because I’ve done a 4th Step before and it changed me for the better in several ways. I’ve changed a lot since doing this Step before, so I’m believing that this is going to bear more fruit in my life.
At this gathering, we had an encouraging conversation – an honest one – that had two components to it. The first component was about how really painfully difficult this process is. Doing a fearless, searching moral inventory is not for the faint at heart. It’s for those who are tired of living in defeat and fear.
The second component was about how hopeful this process is. We have several people in our community who have worked a 4th Step before and their testimonies about the results are encouraging. After the gathering, one who was present wrote this prayer.
Dear God:
As I’m working this 4th Step, I keep having to remind myself that your purification is really the way you express love to me. You have an eternal perspective, and a part of me is really grateful for that, but damn it really, really, really sucks sometimes.
I thank you that it is not as bad as before. This is my second time to work a 4th Step, and this time around the anxiety is really high - but like before - not to the point that I wanted to go dark and evil like I did before.
God I know there is a part of you that is a warrior and a drill instructor. I like that part of you. Even though it produces some anxiety and pain, I do like that about you (though I hope I don’t experience that part of you forever). I know that you wouldn’t purify us if you didn’t love us. I see that more now and that makes me feel really cared for. You believe in us. You really do believe that we are capable of so much more that we think.
You are the ultimate encourager. You give us your strength to flip out and freak out in the time that you are purifying us. I need your strength. I need you to be a brick wall that I can throw myself into when I freak out. Your boundaries sometimes seem too tough, but I can’t describe how much I feel safe when I know you let me freak out and bang my head against you and you don’t judge me or punish me.
I’ve noticed something changing in me. There was a time when I was completely scared that you would leave when I was totally honest in prayer. Especially when I told you how pissed off I am at the way you have designed things and when I told you that I hated that you let bad things happen to me. I’m not so scared about you leaving any more.
Now, I’m more scared that I’ll be in trouble. I think that’s a big improvement. But, you know me. I’m going to have to test this. I need to test this for my own sanity. I don’t want to fight you – like bad fighting, not to hurt you – as if I could. But when I get anxious, I want to wrestle you. I feel like a teenager who is testing boundaries with a parent. When I wrestle with you, I know more about your strength. It’s in my heart to find your boundaries, like a child finding out were he can or can’t go fully with himself.
I’m just going to trust that you will gently and firmly tell me when I’m going beyond the boundaries you have set for me. I would rather get disciplined by you than to live if this cage of fear.
Amen.
Press in this week. Finish up the seven questions that are the first part of our 4th Step. Then ask someone to hear your 5th Step. And join me in praying for God to give encouragement and protection as we individually and collective press into these hard places.